News from all over the world

By Maestro Monteverdi and the rest of The Afghanistan Posse

Comment from Adok: As you might have seen, I interviewed Maestro Monteverdi, the main editor of El Afghano, for this Hugi issue. Apart from the answers to my questions, Maestro Monteverdi sent me a couple of articles and the note: "These are some of the articles from the next issue El Afghano #6. Since we are not sure yet when the new issue will be released, I hereby send them to you so that you can publish some of them in Hugi, as a kind of preview for all those little lion kings who are already awaiting the new El Afghano issue with hunger." This is one of them.

The Afghan Secret Service Reports...

AUSTRALIA. The Afghan Secret Service reports that Jacques Chirac, President of France, has made a treaty with a big Australian frog breeding company. Now France is the exclusive customer for all Australian giant frogs that this company produces; all of them will be delivered to French restaurants!

NORTH KOREA. Kim Chong Il visited the 4th nuclear physicists' brigade. He congratulated them on their great work, awarded them a machine gun and posed with them for a photo. Later on, he delivered a speech in the townhall of Chongyin, a small town in the north of North Korea, in front of TV cameras. In this speech he said: "In a nuclear war against the USA, North Korea will be the winn...." All of a sudden he dropped off the stage. Fortunately Kim only sprained his ankles. The mayor of Chongyin, some of the employees of the townhall and two TV cameramen were sentenced to life-long imprisonment for "attempted coup-d'etat and embarrassing the leader".

TURKMENISTAN. Turkmenbashi is afraid. After an unsuccessful attempt to murder him, he is afraid of being attacked yet another time. Therefore he has issued the order: All Turkmen citizens who own weapons must be disarmed. Those who resist will be imprisoned. But this order will be difficult to implement because the professional group that has been disarmed first is policemen.

Only the military is allowed to keep weapons, but any new recruit will be tested for loyalty: He is not allowed to enter the army unless he has vowed "I love Turkmenbashi, my President and Leader" and has written down this sentence 1000 times; once every 10 times, he has to sign with his personal signature. Furthermore, he is expected to need about the same time for each instance of the sentence. If the standard deviation is too great, he will not be allowed to join the army, but, on the contrary, will be imprisoned immediately.

In case the recruit passes this loyalty test, a graphologist will analyse his signature, and this will decide if he'll be let into the army. Illiteral people as well as such who for some reason can read but can't write (that's quite a few in Turkmenistan) don't have to write "I love Turkmenbashi, my President and Leader", but they must jump back and fore 1000 times while they make the vow, bend to the ground (the holy ground of Turkmenistan) and kiss it. Fortunately, not any soldier, but only new recruits must undergo this tedious procedure.

By the way, rumour has it that it was some army corporals who organized the first attack on Turkmenbashi.

Maestro Monteverdi / The Afghanistan Posse